"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don ... Читать дальше »

- Can you come up with a quick solution to end unemployment?

- Yes, sir! I would put all the men on one island and the women on another.

- And what would they be doing?

- Building boats!

Three insane men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape.

The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!"

The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!"

The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, boys - There is no fence," so instead they just went back to their rooms.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that day anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday". I thought "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember". The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and as I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said "Good morning boss, happy birthday". I felt a little better, someo ... Читать дальше »

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my ... Читать дальше »

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."
 

Heather works with a Russian gent who is trying to learn 
the idiomatic phrases of English. At the end of the workday
another worker always comes in the office and asks if there's 
anything they can do for us before they leave. A girl jokingly
said once, "Yeah, you can go to the bathroom for me." The
next day, the Russian gent (trying to fit in) decided to answer
"can we do something for you before we leave?" and he said,
"Yes, take my dick to the bathroom."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK! Sur ... Читать дальше »

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes ba ... Читать дальше »

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."