Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The 1st man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sink and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels) he loftily anounced to no one in particular:

"At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom with an air of pretension.

The ... Читать дальше »

Sentences with Implication
She — "You remind me of the ocean."
He —"Wild, romantic and restless?"
She — "No, you just make me sick."

"Harry, if I were to die, could you marry again? "
"That question is hardly fair, my dear,"
"Why not?"
"Because if I were to say "Yes", you wouldn't like it, and to say "Never again" wouldn't sound nice."

"Look here, now, Archie," said a father to his little son, ... Читать дальше »

Business
Those who try to do something, and fail, are to be preferred to those who try to do nothing, and succeed.

A notice was put up on the door of an office: "If You Haven't Anything to Do, Don't Do it Here!"

Employee — "I have been here 10 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise".
Employer (slightly Scotch) — "I can't give you a raise but if you'll tell me who the other two men are ... Читать дальше »

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said.
"What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful.
How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
"What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse ... Читать дальше »

Урок английского языка в деревенской школе. Учительница:
- Иванов, как будет по-английски "дверь"?
- Dwear.
- What eto da!!!




источник

Florizel as film character
Indeed, His Highness Prince Florizel next to the throne of Bacardi is not an Englishman, but without a doubt, is an Anglophile. Judging by his freeness manners in London, judging by he wanders around the dens of iniquity, and how without consideration, he controls the fates of British citizens, substituting with himself the local justice, - he is completely not a casual caller prince from Bacardi, but disguised himself Prince of Wels. By the way, committed by the filmmakers the ... Читать дальше »

Business
Those who try to do something, and fail, are to be preferred to those who try to do nothing, and succeed.

A notice was put up on the door of an office: "If You Haven't Anything to Do, Don't Do it Here!"

Employee — "I have been here 10 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise".
Employer (slightly Scotch) — "I can't give you a raise but if you'll tell me who the other two men are I'll discharge them".

"Have you ever been offered work?"
"Only onc ... Читать дальше »

Sentences with Implication
She — "You remind me of the ocean."
He —"Wild, romantic and restless?"
She — "No, you just make me sick."

"Harry, if I were to die, could you marry again? "
"That question is hardly fair, my dear,"
"Why not?"
"Because if I were to say "Yes", you wouldn't like it, and to say "Never again" wouldn't sound nice."

"Look here, now, Archie," said a father to his little son, who was naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to heaven."
"1 don' ... Читать дальше »

Eiting
"One drink always makes me dizzy".
"Really?"
"Yes — and it's usually the eighth."




Sourse

Riddles
"How many times have I told you to fall in for these formations on time, private Smith?"
"I don't know, sergeant. I thought you were keeping the score."

'If the Dean doesn't take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college." "What did he say?" "He told me to leave college."

"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for municipal honours, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take alcoholic drinks?"
"Before I answer the question," re ... Читать дальше »

A visitor from England startled at dead of night by a terrifying hoot asked his American host: "What cawn that terrifying sound mean?"
"It's an owl," the host explained.
H'l know, but who's 'owling? "

When Gypsy Rose Lee heard that her G-Siring was going to be published in London, she wired her publishers, "Who is going to make the English translation?"

The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of a Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the bright-but ... Читать дальше »

American British English
Bernard Shaw said that America and England were two great nations sepa¬rated by the same language.

"I speak four languages," proudly boasted the door man of a hotel in Rome to an American guest. "Yes, four — Italian, French, English, and American."
"But English and American are the same," pro¬tested the guest. "Not at all," replied the man. "If an English¬man should come up now, 1 should talk like this: 'Oh, I say, what extraordinarily shocking weather we're having! I d ... Читать дальше »