Court and Justice
Judge (in dentist chair) — "Do you swear that you will pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

"Have you ever appeared as a witness in a suit before?" asked the prosecutor,
"Why of course!" replied the sweet young thing.
"Will you please tell the jury just what suit it was?"
"It was a blue suit," she replied quickly, "with white collar and cuffs, and buttons all the way down the front."
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"Darling, I have to go to New York on busi¬ness," said the young married man. "It will only take about three or four days and I hope you won't miss me too much while I'm gone, but —"
"I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm going with you."

Advice to Persons about to Marry: Don't.

"What did you divorce your husband for?"
"Two hundred dollars a month."

A young seaman asked an old sea wolf — "Do such ships like ours often sink?"
"No — not often. Only once", wa ... Читать дальше »

"How many times have I told you to fall in for these formations on time, private Smith?"
"I don't know, sergeant. I thought you were keeping the score.

" Sergeant — "Did you shave this morning, Smith?"
Rookie — "Yes, sir."
Sergeant — "Well, next time stand closer to the
razor."

A soldier asked another: "What do you do when somebody puts you questions about some secret matters?"
"I begin whispering him some crazy answers."
"Why whispering?"
"Because many people believe ever ... Читать дальше »

"Jim," said Brown, "what did you call your mother-in-law after you got married?"
"Well, I'll tell you," replied Jones, "for the first year I addressed her as "Say," and after that we called her "Grandma!"

Teacher — "When was Rome built?"
Percy — "At night."
Teacher — "Who told you that?"
Percy — "You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day."

Prof.— "Name two pronouns. "
Stude — "Who, me?"

A Sunday-school visitor asked the children what he should talk about,
and got an ... Читать дальше »

Dentist (to talkative patient). - " Open your mouth and shut up.

The man was suffering from a bronchial attack, and as a result of it he was unable to speak above a whisper. The illness was slight, but painful, and he decided to call at the residence of the. doctor who had just moved to town.
The patient appeared one evening at the doc¬tor's front door, rang the bell, and after a short wait stood facing the doctor's young and pretty wife.
"is the doctor at home?" he asked in his bron¬chial whis ... Читать дальше »

Funny SMS:
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Happy New Year!!
Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween and H ... Читать дальше »

Funny quotes:
"...This newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better..."
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it backwards.
The USA is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.




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There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.
Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
... Читать дальше »

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted dow ... Читать дальше »

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and ... Читать дальше »

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?




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Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
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