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Онлайн всего: 13 Гостей: 11 Пользователей: 2 |
| sveta, Ilya_Shalnov |
Главная » Юмор
 There are these 3 vampires. The first
vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of
blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks
it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a
shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire
drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a sho... |
 A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me." |
 Поехал Рабинович в турпоездку, шлет домой телеграмму: "Привет со свободной Украины. Рабинович". Затем еще одну телеграмму: "Привет из свободной Венгрии. Рабинович" И еще одну "Привет из Австрии. Свободный Рабинович". |
 There was an American man that had an
meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own
meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU
FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be
some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting
with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX
!"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?" |
 One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" sourse |
 Или вы прекратите курить или одно из двух. Когда курсанта вызывают, он должен встать и покраснеть. Каждый курсант должен быть либо поощрен либо наказан. В следующем занятии будет некоторое увеличение содержания объема работ. Что вы матом ругаетесь, как маленькие дети. источник |
 There was a blonde, a brunette
and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about
their daughters.
The brunette says, "I was lookin throuh my daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do you believe that
my daughter smokes!! So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through my daughter's purse and i
found alcohol! Do you believe she's been drinking!! So then the blond says "I was looking through my daughter's
purse and I found a c... |
Dogs and Light Bulbs  How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Coc... |
 A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and t... |
 A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among l... |
 Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They
taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room
while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the
outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't
do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The
first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh... |
 Танки наступают небольшими группами по два-три человека. Наше занятие гроша выеденного не стоит. Здесь как на войне -- убили командира, взял автомат другого. Живете, как свиньи в берлоге. Сержант! У вас дневальный не стрижен, на ушах висит. Источник |
 Служба русского языка на грамоте.ру: Вопрос - Подскажите, пожалуйста, как правильно расставить пунктуацию в предложении: «Оформленный экземпляр сопроводительного письма просьба направить в наш адрес через ячейку» Ответ - Нужно поставить точку в конце предложения. |
 Встречаются двое на Тауэрском мосту: - How much time now? - Five of clock. - Such much? - For whom how... - MGIMO?!?! - Yes, I does! источник |
 Про шесть знаменитых евреев... (вообще лучше показывать, чем рассказывать) 1. Знаменитый еврей Моисей говорил, что все решается на небе 2. Знаменитый еврей Соломон говорил, что все решается в голове 3. Знаменитый еврей Иисус говорил, что все решается в сердце 4. Знаменитый еврей Карл Маркс говорил, что все решается в желудке 5. Знаменитый еврей Зигмунд Фрейд говорил, что все решается в ..... 6. И только знаменитый еврей Альберт Эйнштейн говорил, что все в мире относительно. ... |
 На акцию протеста врачи вышли на улицы. Власти не могут понять, чего хотят доктора, потому что никто не может разобрать, что именно написано на транспарантах.
Источник |
 К концу войны положение Германии было столь плачевно, что даже в рейхсканцелярии приходилось стоять в очереди для того, чтобы купить колбасы. Однако Штирлиц, вопреки всем нормам поведения, всегда брал без очереди. Гестаповцы очень возмущались этим. Они еще не знали, что Герои Советского Союза обслуживаются вне очереди. Источник |
- Здесь вам не тут -- здесь вас быстро отвыкнут водку пьянствовать и безобразия нарушать.
- По команде "ОТБОЙ" наступает темное время суток.
- Дозорная машина высылается вперед на расстояние зрительной памяти.
- Сигнал к атаке -- три зеленых свистка.
- Копать окоп от меня и до обеда.
- Источник
|
 Loud, mad, or sad The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" Sourse |
 I often feel guilty Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix i... |
 Better relationship A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a ... |
 The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." |
 A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'... |
 Профессор студенту-лингвисту, валящему очередной зачет: - Ну ладно, так и быть, скрепя сердце поставлю вам зачет, если вы скажете мне, какие три слова наиболее часто используют студенты. - Я не знаю. - Абсолютно правильно! Давайте зачетку! Источник |
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