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Главная » Юмор
 Вы никогда не задумывались, почему: чех - человек, а чешка - тапочек финн - человек, а финка - ножик кореец - человек, а корейка - мясо индеец - человек, а индейка - птица болгарин - человек, а болгарка - пила китаец - человек, а китайка - яблоко испанец - человек, а испанка - грипп американец - человек, а американка - разновидность бильярда швед - человек, а шведка - часть стопы канадец - человек, а канадки - коньки поляк - человек,... |
 Прапорщик солдатам: – Сегодня мы едем на станцию разгружать люмень – самую легкую из желез. – Товарищ прапорщик! Не люмень, а алюминий – это металл такой. – А кто шибко грамотный, тот пойдет грузить чугуний. Источник |
 Trouble sleeping The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?" Источник |
 Sounds of the Wild A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud." Источник |
 I Want to Buy That A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk thi... |
 Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on $hlomo The Reply: Dear Shlomo, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love your fa... |
 The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something
exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew
a small dot.
— "What's that?", the teacher asked, puzzled.
— "It's a period."
— "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?"
— "Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one...
Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot
himself." Источник |
 A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are
at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through t... |
 Приходят к профессору два студента экзамен сдавать. По комбинаторике. В те ещё времена. Домой пришли к профессору. Ну, сдавали, сдавали, за картами засиделись, за костями игральными, стемнело. А в то время и студенты, и профессора были бедные, домой их не отправишь, пришлось спать укладывать в профессорской трехкомнатной квартире. В одной комнате - два студента, в другой - профессор с женой, в третьей - профессорская дочь. Все чин по чину, спят. Просыпается студент, думает, а хрен ли я с этим... |
 The
newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have
great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house
instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and
delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife
when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning
my mother moves in with us."
|
 Учитель выговаривает дежурному по классу: - Опять доска грязная, тряпка сухая, а на глобусе, - он ткнул пальцем, - пыль. - Это не пыль, - возразил дежурный. - Там, где у вас палец, находится Сахара. Источник |
 Стоит среди улицы пьяный мужик. К нему подходит милиционер и говорит: - Гражданин, пройдемте в отделение, вы нарушаете общественный порядок! Мужик: - Отойди собака! Милиционер: - Так… еще и оскорбление при исполнении обязанностей, с вас штраф 3 рубля. Мужик достает из кармана червонец. Милиционер: - Но у меня нет сдачи с 10 рублей. - Ну… тогда ты… собака… собака… и щенок на рубль! Источник |
 For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now…" Источник |
 A man has been asked: -How do You estimate the chances of Your going into the street and meeting there a dinosaur? The man: - A billi. A woman has been asked: -How do You estimate the chances of Your going into the street and meeting there a dinosaur? The woman: - Half and half. -You don't say! - she is said. - Well,-she says,-either I'll meet him, or I'll not. Источник |
 Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Источник |
 One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know"..he ... |
 Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says: "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says: "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's al... |
 Rufus: Знаешь, его тупости нет предела. Он как-то при мне создал папку и назвал ее "ВИДИО". Я сказал - исправь "и" на "е" Rufus: Не поверишь, он исправил. Rufus: По сей день у него на компе есть папка "ВЕДИО". |
 Стоим на улице, курим. Наш юниксоид рассказывает, что учит маленького сына буквам. Говорит, он тот сам ни с того ни с сего написал буквы i и R. - Ну R еще понятно, "Я" слегка перепутал. А вот откуда i - непонятно? - Кодировку проверь. |
 На сайте HP рекламное объявление висит, что при покупке принтера 1005 они дарят англо-русский словарь. Лучше бы сделали русификацию инструкции к принтеру... |
Пуся: GOD IS DEAD!!!!!! ALL MUST DYE!!!!!!!! fosgen: Все должны... красить? |
 george (19:25:11 21/11/2008) а он разв. против? ) ssl2 (19:25:44 21/11/2008) а ты мастер слова сокращать! |
 Она: Я бы тебе сказала, кто ты после того, что ты сделал, но образование не позволяет. Он: Может воспитание? Она: Нет, образование. Я слов таких не знаю. |
 пришла мудрая мысль в голову (кто питается в заводских столовых меня точно поймёт. остальным надо подумать) каждый день, с половины первого до половины второго я ем половину первого и половину второго... Интересно, кто-то это сможет перевести на другой язык? |
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