Начинающим может быть интересно (работа над narrative essay)
Я послал свое эссе одному из преподов для критики, вот его ответ. Мне показалось очень интересным, потому что дает четкие советы...
Hi, Aydar. Welcome to the Essay Center! Thank you for submitting your writing to us today. My name is Alicia S., and I am happy to be working with you on your essay. In the future, you may want to provide a more detailed description of your assignment under the purpose section to enable us to respond more effectively. I am not quite certain as to what kind of assignment it is supposed to be. It looks as though it might be a narrative, so I am going to respond to it as such. Just be aware of this in case it is not the purpose. J
* Strengths of the essay :
You do a nice job of framing your essay by repeating the image of the butterfly again in your last sentence. This signals a clear conclusion. Now let’s see what suggestions I can provide for further developing your essay.
Main Idea/Thesis: A thesis statement is important because it provides your reader with a map of your paper. It lets the reader know what you intend to discuss and your position on the subject. The rest of your paper should function to prove your thesis. An effective thesis statement is normally placed at the end of the introduction and should do the following:
* deal with a subject that can be adequately treated given the nature of the assignment * express one main idea * assert your conclusions about a subject * take on a subject upon which reasonable people could disagree
In a narrative you may want to add an element of surprise, so your thesis does not have to be as specific as other thesis statements, but you may want to keep your prompt in mind as you write. For example, if my writing prompt calls for me to write a pargarph about a day that changed my life, I would want to give some indication of the event in my thesis:
I consider February 15th of 2005 the most significant date of my life because I met my future husband on that day.
Then my readers know I am going to explain what happened on that day in my narrative. Let’s take a look at your current thesis statement:
“I was lost in time and space, browsing through clubs and restaurants, looking for my medicine.” You may just want to develop this a bit more to indicate that you did find your “medicine”.
* Requested Overview comments on Content Development: I am not seeing a clear connection between the piano playing and your insomnia. Perhaps you can provide more detail regarding how you felt that first night when you were finally able to sleep. You indicate you were very moved by the playing, but I didn’t see a clear connection between that and the insomnia.
You also abruptly shift from seeking the piano player, to learning to play on your own. Perhaps you can add more details about this experience. What was it about the piano player that enabled you to do this? You indicate that your own piano playing has the same effect. Perhaps you can explain this a bit more as well.
* Requested Overview comments on Grammar & Mechanics: You have some issues with passive voice. The noun that is performing the action should appear before the verb in order to keep your sentences active. Here is an example of passive voice:
The dog was hit by the car.
In order to make this active, you would move “car” before the word “hit” since it performs the action in the sentence:
The car hit the dog.
Now take a look at the sentence from your essay: "What a boring night...", - thought I, as she appeared in front of the audience. How can you change this so that you are not using passive voice when you get to the act of thinking? Look closely at the previous examples.
Summary of Next Steps:
Aydar, here are my revision suggestions based upon our session today:
· Develop a clear thesis identifying your position.
· Form clear topic sentences and paragraphs to prove your thesis.
· Avoid passive voice.
· Read your paper aloud to help identify potential problem areas.
I’ve enjoyed working with you today, and I hope you find my suggestions helpful I hope you visit us again soon. Good luck with your revisions! Alicia S.
Please look for more comments in your essay below.
Two years ago I had a bad insomnia. [You do a nice ob of establishing early on what this is about. Good job, Aydar.] Not sleeping enough led me to apathy and depression. I was lost in time and space, browsing through clubs and restaurants, looking for my medicine. One of such misty nights, as I sat at the table, the DJ announced the name of a young performer. "What a boring night...", - thought I, as she appeared in front of the audience. Seventeen or nineteen years old, dark blond, wearing a long black dress, a scared to shame conservatory student. [I’m a bit confused by what “a scared to shame” means”] I started impatiently looking for the waiter while she sat at the piano and... In the whole world clocks stopped. It was as if a colorful butterfly, following the shiny cold creek, flew into my soul, bringing the fresh breeze on its tiny wings. At her gentle touch of the keyboard, I saw how beautiful she was. From the music she played her face started pouring out light and her skin glowed as the surface of the moon. Her music gushed into my veins infusing me with life. For a moment I thought, "She must be a goddess." The harmony of her music gave her confidence. She artfully talked to the black and white keys persuading them with striking chords. It reminded me of my childhood; easy, curious, satisfied and simple. And when she finished, she bowed down in front of everybody. And before disappearing behind the curtains, she looked at me and smiled for a short while, as though she knew me. [Perhaps you can add more here to indicate how this could have caused the subsequent events.] That night I came home and slept all night and all day. After a while, insomnia came back. I never saw her again and nothing helped. Wanting to refill that gap, I took piano classes and learnt how to play.[Can you add more details about this?] Since then, every time I practice my piano, the magic butterfly comes back, and when I go to bed I sleep as sweet as a child.
- lj-cut, pls
- Спасибо, что выложили, всегда интересно узнать профессиональное мнение, особенно такое, с конкретными рекомендациями!
- почитайте On Writing Стивена Кинга, в англо-американской академии доминирует весьма механистический подход к писанию эссе, т.е. даже есть процедура, дана тема, записываете ключевые слова которые приходят в голову по этой теме, потом выбираете из них те про которые хотите писать, про каждое составляете topic sentence, к каждому topic sentence добавляете supporting information and examples, ко всему этому приляпываете вступление и заключение, во вступлении вкраце пишите о чем будет эссе, в заключении вкраце о чем было эссе (стариный принцип public addresses - tell them what you're gonna tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them + inverted pyramid structure in each paragraph - topic sentence + supporting ideas + examples if necessary) А у Кинга совершенно другой подход к Creative Writing, абсолютно импровизационный, вобщем очень рекомендую On Writing если вам интересно именно пописать худ-лит, ну и в качестве примеров можно какиенибудь книжки кинга почитать тоже, особенно рассказы у него прикольные есть.
Вы верите, что всего за несколько часов можно понять, как поставить правильное произношение, не изучая долго и нудно теоретическую фонетику, а всего-лишь поймав "фокус" языка?
Вы верите, что за несколько часов можно понять всю систему английских времен, которую безуспешно учат годами в школе, институте или на курсах?
Вы верите, что вместо скучных учебников можно заниматься по Вашим любимым фильмам и сериалам, испытывая при этом восторг и наслаждение от занятий английским?
Мы не только верим, а и твердо убеждены, так как уже сотни людей прошли по этому пути и поделились с нами своми успехами и достижениями!
И мы верим в Вас, потому что Вы легко научились говорить на языке, который на порядок сложнее английского!
Поэтому более простым и логичным английским Вы овладеете гораздо быстрее и легче! Конечно,если будете делать это правильно, естественным путем - моделируя носителей языка. Руководствуясь при этом не громоздкими правилами, а простыми и понятными визуальными моделями!
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Я послал свое эссе одному из преподов для критики, вот его ответ. Мне показалось очень интересным, потому что дает четкие советы...
